The Itsy Bitsy Spider: A Cautionary Tale10:22 PM
The other night, I was sitting on the couch and looked up at our ceiling--there's a little spider sitting up there. Just hanging out. Watching me.
Normally, I don't mind spiders too much. They stay out of my way, I stay out of theirs, and they eat the other bugs that like to sneak into my house. Pretty useful, this understanding we have.
But every once in a while, a spider will break a rule. He will either massively exceed the size restrictions I am comfortable with ignoring (big spiders are not allowed, because I know they're just waiting to eat my arms or feet), or . . . he'll do something completely unacceptable. Like sneak up on me. Or attack.
So, as I was saying.
I'm sitting on the couch, and look up and see this little spider. He's kind of on the line of my little/big/I'll-let-him-live/Brad-make-him-die requirements, and as I wonder out loud how to take care of him, Brad tells me to leave the spider alone--it won't mess with me.
Brad, you stink at this game.
A few seconds later, I look back at the ceiling, and see that the spider has moved about five feet to my right . . . still on the ceiling. Okay, I think to myself, He's leaving me alone, he's--AHHHHHGHGHGHHH! What is going on?!!
Mid-thought, the not-so-little-anymore-and-definitely-not-innocent-spider swings over my head and drops straight down towards me. Thanks to my extreme paranoia and super ninja skills, I see the whole thing and roll off the couch just before the spider lands where I was sitting and disappears between the couch cushions.
It's time to express my unhappiness.
"WHAT THE HECK, BRAD?!"
Because, obviously, this is his fault.
Brad, who is standing a few feet away from me, is as surprised as I am. He finds a napkin somewhere and pulls the couch cushions apart, then briefly explains to the spider why he will not receive a second chance at roaming our house for midnight dinners. Then Brad squishes the spider. Good boy.
|Red/1 through 3: The spider's path|
Blue/A & B: My path off the couch
|Spidey friend showing his true colors.|
So now, of course, I have added spiders to my enemy list. Or, really--just attack spiders, but I have been sleeping with one eye open this week. It's more a fear of being ambushed, I think. I don't know who these little eight-legged things think they are, but they're really nothing more than extremely rude house guests who all seem to share the same vampire complex.
So, how is your week going?