The Itsy Bitsy Spider: A Cautionary Tale

10:22 PM

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If you know me, you know that I do not do well with bugs of any sort. Little bugs, big bugs, I don't care--they're invasive and don't belong in my house. So, when I see them crawling around, I squish them. Or, if they're extra scary, I find Brad and have him take care of it.

The other night, I was sitting on the couch and looked up at our ceiling--there's a little spider sitting up there. Just hanging out. Watching me.

Normally, I don't mind spiders too much. They stay out of my way, I stay out of theirs, and they eat the other bugs that like to sneak into my house. Pretty useful, this understanding we have.

But every once in a while, a spider will break a rule. He will either massively exceed the size restrictions I am comfortable with ignoring (big spiders are not allowed, because I know they're just waiting to eat my arms or feet), or . . . he'll do something completely unacceptable. Like sneak up on me. Or attack.

So, as I was saying.

I'm sitting on the couch, and look up and see this little spider. He's kind of on the line of my little/big/I'll-let-him-live/Brad-make-him-die requirements, and as I wonder out loud how to take care of him, Brad tells me to leave the spider alone--it won't mess with me.

Brad, you stink at this game.

A few seconds later, I look back at the ceiling, and see that the spider has moved about five feet to my right . . . still on the ceiling. Okay, I think to myself, He's leaving me alone, he's--AHHHHHGHGHGHHH! What is going on?!!

Mid-thought, the not-so-little-anymore-and-definitely-not-innocent-spider swings over my head and drops straight down towards me. Thanks to my extreme paranoia and super ninja skills, I see the whole thing and roll off the couch just before the spider lands where I was sitting and disappears between the couch cushions.

It's time to express my unhappiness.

"WHAT THE HECK, BRAD?!"

Because, obviously, this is his fault.

Brad, who is standing a few feet away from me, is as surprised as I am. He finds a napkin somewhere and pulls the couch cushions apart, then briefly explains to the spider why he will not receive a second chance at roaming our house for midnight dinners. Then Brad squishes the spider. Good boy.

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Red/1 through 3: The spider's path
Blue/A & B: My path off the couch
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Spidey friend showing his true colors.

So now, of course, I have added spiders to my enemy list. Or, really--just attack spiders, but I have been sleeping with one eye open this week. It's more a fear of being ambushed, I think. I don't know who these little eight-legged things think they are, but they're really nothing more than extremely rude house guests who all seem to share the same vampire complex.


Ahem.

So, how is your week going?

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