The Itsy Bitsy Spider: A Cautionary Tale

10:22 PM

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If you know me, you know that I do not do well with bugs of any sort. Little bugs, big bugs, I don't care--they're invasive and don't belong in my house. So, when I see them crawling around, I squish them. Or, if they're extra scary, I find Brad and have him take care of it.

The other night, I was sitting on the couch and looked up at our ceiling--there's a little spider sitting up there. Just hanging out. Watching me.

Normally, I don't mind spiders too much. They stay out of my way, I stay out of theirs, and they eat the other bugs that like to sneak into my house. Pretty useful, this understanding we have.

But every once in a while, a spider will break a rule. He will either massively exceed the size restrictions I am comfortable with ignoring (big spiders are not allowed, because I know they're just waiting to eat my arms or feet), or . . . he'll do something completely unacceptable. Like sneak up on me. Or attack.

So, as I was saying.

I'm sitting on the couch, and look up and see this little spider. He's kind of on the line of my little/big/I'll-let-him-live/Brad-make-him-die requirements, and as I wonder out loud how to take care of him, Brad tells me to leave the spider alone--it won't mess with me.

Brad, you stink at this game.

A few seconds later, I look back at the ceiling, and see that the spider has moved about five feet to my right . . . still on the ceiling. Okay, I think to myself, He's leaving me alone, he's--AHHHHHGHGHGHHH! What is going on?!!

Mid-thought, the not-so-little-anymore-and-definitely-not-innocent-spider swings over my head and drops straight down towards me. Thanks to my extreme paranoia and super ninja skills, I see the whole thing and roll off the couch just before the spider lands where I was sitting and disappears between the couch cushions.

It's time to express my unhappiness.


Because, obviously, this is his fault.

Brad, who is standing a few feet away from me, is as surprised as I am. He finds a napkin somewhere and pulls the couch cushions apart, then briefly explains to the spider why he will not receive a second chance at roaming our house for midnight dinners. Then Brad squishes the spider. Good boy.

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Red/1 through 3: The spider's path
Blue/A & B: My path off the couch
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Spidey friend showing his true colors.

So now, of course, I have added spiders to my enemy list. Or, really--just attack spiders, but I have been sleeping with one eye open this week. It's more a fear of being ambushed, I think. I don't know who these little eight-legged things think they are, but they're really nothing more than extremely rude house guests who all seem to share the same vampire complex.


So, how is your week going?


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